Spontaneity

An article I read recently asked 10 to 20 cancer patients, what do you miss the most? Overwhelmingly they said being spontaneous. In the article, they agreed to makeovers but little did they know these were going to be outrageous. As the makeovers were revealed, everyone received huge screams of laughter at the outrageousness they were looking at. Later, As they were processing the experience, one woman said that for a moment, her reaction to the makeover was so spontaneous and she felt wonderful.

I have thought a lot about that piece, that gem of insight. I miss driving. We all take for granted just grabbing our keys and heading out the door. For me the decision was gradual and then I made the decision when I would or wouldn't. Then a neurologist made the decision for me. 

Or just to have the option to be able to have drinks with a friend on such and such a night. I'm usually in pain and I have to wait until about 30 minutes before my plans to assess how bad the pain is, but have to always ask myself can I ward it off with some meds, is it coming in like a freight train-if so then I have to cancel again.... So being spontaneous not only doesn't work it frightens me a bit. 

However. I had a spontaneous change of heart. 

Thinking about the freedom of laughter, the joy, the I-don't-give-a-fuck-who's-watching attitude and the 100 other feelings that fill you up when you have a good, solid, rich, happy, belly laugh. 

Super blurry, I had been in bed all day but my baby Jacob wanted to play. I never get shots like this of him. My sweet autistic child, happy, smiling and what you can't see is that he spontaneously grabbed my hand and wrapped my arm around his waist for the first time. He doesn't like touch often but to want it from me, to giggle this hard as we continued with really silly shots and he made sure my hand and arm never left. That's common practice now but it's still surprises me. 😍for that I'm glad. There's about 10 shots of us sticking out our tongues, closing our eyes tight. Those moments are few and far between. Those moments with him lead to the this next one. 

Still searching,

Xx