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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

All things medicinal.

My thoughts are bouncing, ping-ponging off my broken, reshaped skull. It seems that I can't grab them long enough to find the meaning or feeling or.. What... In them. 

Or to even finish them long enough to have proper grammar. Don't judge. The struggle is real today. 

I've been taking "selfies" (ugh how I detest that word) everyday. It's a kind of digital journal. I have this perception of my external self: good, bad or indifferent we all do. This illness, how it effects my body will Med side effects, my facial swelling/redness with pain... These things have worn me down. After awhile of wearing black yoga pants, a black tshirt, and a tie jacket I don't feel too sexy for this blog. Know-what-I'm-sayin'?

This was me about a week ago. I had been in bed, in pain. This is serious bed head. Ha! It's natural, it's me, I'm in a crappy tshirt. 😃 #painsucksbutgreathairneverdoes #greathairmakesallthingspossible #itakenocreditforthecurls #thankmomsDNAforthehair 

This morning I was thinking about some heady stuff. Love. Friendship. Regret. Sacrifice. Will I regret down the road? 

I have made it a policy, my life philosophy, to never regret my choices. It's the decisions I don't make that I will feel horrible about so I follow my heart. As much as life allows. And I give myself a wide birth because we only do this once. I'm 49. My family is dead. I have kids who Need a role model and not someone else's idea of what that should be. 

80s flashback with this most kick ass sweater. It's heather gray AND off the shoulder! Holy Siouxie and the Banshees Batman! I love this thing. Makes me aaaalllmosssst appreciate the point of winter but...I won't go that far. 

As I waited for my morning Joe to brew, a lack of caffeine meant little ability to stop the onslaught of honest thoughts and feelings rattling through my heart.  *shakes fist to the Heavens* Love. Lonliness. Expectations. Anger. Friendship. Surprise. 

So many things to shuffle. To process. To wrestle with. 

Throughout the day the meaning would come to me from a long felt riddle I have been dealing with. 

Today 3 things came to me:
1) I'm angry about a few things. 
2) I thought I'd be in a different place at 49. 
3) I thought I wouldn't be sick anymore at this point. 

I can't regret these things. They just... Are.  


  1. Standing here in my last few months of 49, and thinking A LOT about regret. And chronic illness. And role modeling for my children. Mostly I feel stuck in the deep desire for Do-Overs, but I'm crawling towards No Regrets. Thanks for the inspiration, mama. <3

    1. Hi warrior in arms. Wow! Do I get where you are because I was in that space 2 days ago. Pain attack hit me, again, in front of my loves. They immediately came to me, grabbing my tablet, phone and my hand saying, "mama don't let go of the rail or my hand." They encourage me all the way up the stairs as I climb to my bedroom trying to stifle tears and screams. Here they are, 12 years old, having to see me decline like this and go through neurosurgeries, chronic pain, etc., for 5 years while struggling with their own autism/immune disorder.. I find myself apologizing for not being the mom I used to be--for not being the mom I want them to have memories of. I'm so glad you could connect with this. If you ever need to talk please contact me again here and we can continue privately. This chronic pain life is SO HARD! Never forget what a badass you are and your kids are LUCKY to have you!