Another ER visit three days ago. After hot pads and meds and water and rest and trying to sleep and praying --- oh Sweet Baby Jesus knows how much praying -- then came a bounty of excrutiating tears with the searing pain lasting for minutes. Then hours. Then one day.... Oooh okay. One day down, I can do this, I can God thank you for the strength for 24 hours. It's one day LESS than I will ever have to feel. Thank you, God, thank you. Okay now it's two days. Vision is really wonky. Blurry at times. So much pressure behind my eyes I think they will burst. Ok where are we..... 76 hours, 43 minutes... Crying now. Totally irrational. In the shower. Two panic attacks under my belt and my heart is racing. Thank God I have inderal to slow it down. I'm moving so slow. I can't think straight. I'm sobbing full force, snot running down my face, uncontrolled. I eat my third bowl of cereal because I want for nothing else. I get back into bed and decide its time to go to the ER.
When it hits that I'll go, they will give me my sanity back in the form of a pharmaceutical, it will wear off in 4-6 if I'm lucky.
And I'm so angry, feel so enraged that I wish I could scream louder than the world could take so that everyone would understand a piece of the suffering of what this is like.
Damn, I need some chocolate.
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