Dear God, I just knew

And I remember back to that day of diagnosis.  How she told me. She actually skirted around it for me. I'm not a skirting kinda girl. If you've read my other blog: The Journey Begins, I'm a direct, upfront kinda gal. Not in a rude, bitchy way. In the, if you have something to say, say it. We will all feel better.

So I had been through a multitude of tests. God, so, so many tests: on my brain, my neck, my kidneys, my back, but I knew it was my brain, I just knew. First the nurse tells me I have an aneurysm in my brain.  Back up the friggin' bus ------ W H A T???? I'm 44 years old???? An aneurysm??? I fall to my knees but she did not know. I have an amazing way of keeping all together without people knowing about it over the phone.

I could have died...I could be dead right know...What does this mean?... do I need surgery?...What, What What???

The nurse goes on to say the rare kidney disease that they thought they would find was negative. Well, OK. That's great news as I catch my breath. 

But.

The radiologist found a tumor.  It's small but agressively growing.  The nurse starts talking a million miles a minute over "we found a microadenoma" and it's agressively growing briskly changing the subject.  I'm way back to "we found a tumor..." She gives me no time or space to process that information or to be able to ask what the next step is.

Fucker.

I demanded to talk with the neurologist as she is a PA.  She questions the need. Too fucking bad.  I'm scared. I'm frightened. I have visions of dying. I have visions of losing my children at a young age. I have thoughts of scarring them for life and putting Stephe, my coparent to care for me until death to us part. Horrible damn thoughts.  She said she would "call me" with an answer from my neurologist. Can you fucking believe that? A phone call. After this???

So I waited. 

And my anger surgered. I quickly fired them after the neurologist proved to be a half wit. 

That was so long ago. I didn't think I'd be able to fully let go of that anger. I have. I've been with such great doctors since then. I've had procedures, more diagnosis, surgeries... And I haven't fallen apart yet! I'm like my grandma - fiesty!

I was laughing with a friend the other day about our age. She is around 30 and someone asked her if a 15 yr. old standing near her in a doctor's office was her child. 

That pretty much sums up her reaction. 

Then I told her about the time I was at a school event with the boys 6 months ago. A stranger approached me and asked if the boys were my GRANDCHILDREN, Bahahahaha! I literally burst out laughing! That's just what I do! 

Oh my! I should look so young! She's such a smart and fancy dresser! *wink* when I told this woman 'no' and that they were my boys, she looked stunned. No joke. Which made me giggle harder. This woman was easily in her 60s (and here I thought I had it going on that day... Silly me!). 

It's all good. Red lipstick is never wasted. 

Thanks for reading.